I guess I am excited to come home. Or at least I need to keep telling myself I am so as to convince myself. It is getting more and more painful by the day to think about not living here.
I had a dream last night. I woke up in my dream and didnt know where I was for a moment, until I suddenly realized I was in my bed in America, and I just balled my eyes out. Cried because I was home, cried because I left England, cried because I didn't have my friends by my side anymore. I thought it would be harder being here in the beginning, but it is proving to be infinitely harder to go back.
I formulate plans in my head of possible ways to move abroad, how I would do it, how I would cope with leaving my family. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I want to move away, but on the other, I think about leaving my family and regretting not spending time with them. I have this fear, this nightmare, that when my parents are old and grey, I am going to regret not spending time with them if I moved away. The lost days, months, years, that I cant get back. But is that fear inevitable? Even if I stayed in NJ, or the United States for that matter, would I still have those feelings? Life steps in when you graduate, move out, start your own family. Time spent with family dwindles because of the events that take precedent and eat away your time. Can I live my life this way? Sacrifice my happiness living in a foreign country for the possibility of guilt later in life? I would not be sacrificing happiness, really. I would be happy with my family, wherever we are, but I would sacrifice a dream and a goal. Ever since I went to Hawaii in 2007, I have had this ideal image of living in an exotic place, and now after living in England, this feeling has grown stronger. I need to do an intense self reflection over the summer. I need to think about internships abroad, or just moving out into an apartment in New Jersey.
Studying abroad has had the most profound effect on my psyche. I have learned more about myself in these last few months than I have in my entire life. I am coming out of my shell and realizing who I am, and more importantly, who I want to be. This is a very expensive way to learn such life lessons, but it was worth every single penny and every hour of hard work for the valuable information I have gained here.
These thoughts are normal I think Kim. I had them when I was your age dreaming about Colorado. I will live in CO, I am certain of it. Family is the one thing that has always held me back, and I think just the fact that we have this fear and sadness about leaving them is what makes it so special. Sometimes people don't mind leaving and it makes me wonder how it was so easy for them. As you get older though, life really does take hold of you and I sometimes miss my family and I am only 10 minutes from them. It's a part of getting older and branching out. What's 5 years in the grand scheme of things? Not much. Take 5 years and live abroad somewhere. If you love it, ok we all had 5 years to get used to you being away. If you want to come home, then at least you can say you did it and that regret won't be haunting you in your elder years. Can't wait to see you!!!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your youth, Kim! Take it one day at a time. You are already living a life that you won't regret. I look back on my days with the airlines and am so grateful that I had the opportunity to travel the way I did. If I could go back and do one thing over, I would have spent a semester abroad. I almost moved out to AZ after I graduated college (my best friend did.) I just couldn't leave my family. I have no regrets at all. I love my life now and know I can visit AZ whenever I want. Maybe try spending some time in a city here in the US? Philadelphia has some great neighborhoods and is much more affordable (and less intimidating) than NY - AND closer to your family. There are so many wonderful places here in the US. Are they London? No! But they hold other adventures for you to experience! These are just the ramblings of someone at the other end of life who admires you tremendously! ;-)
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